Help me become a better writer.

[benni369]

Hello again Ironhide community! It is I, Benni! Remember me?... You do, but only that I was an immature brat who was really annoying?...
Oh...
But on a more serious note, no, I still am not interested in kingdom rush, what I am REALLY here for is... well... I need your help. For what, exactly? Well, with writing.
I'm trying to become a better writer because I really enjoy making stories, but if you read any of my old stuff you know I am TERRIBLE at writing, so I need all of your help with... Everything, really. grammar/spelling mistakes, world building, natural dialogue, character development, etc. Why you guys and not some free lessons that i can probably find on the internet? Well I have two reasons for that...
One, I really miss the forums and I want to catch up with everything that was going on.
Two, I feel... safe here, it makes me feel like I know everyone that is reading my stuff I post.
Oh, and three, a pre-written lesson can't review your work.

One more thing, the reason this prologue-y thingy is so short is because I wrote all of this 1 in the morning oh god please help me I need your opinion on the narrator. I'm trying to make him feel like he's talking to you personally from a perspective of somebody who is right there when the events are unfolding and he's explaining to you what's happening. (post-edit Benni here. I'm Thinking of getting rid of the narrator being present tense explaining to you past tense and go full on past tense.)

So, with that out of the way, the story starts... Now! (post-edit note. If anyone is uncomfortable with the swearing, I could either censor it or remove it for some made up language if you want.)


PROLOGUE

Pain.

More pain.

Even more...

This is getting old.

It was already old.

“You're useless.” There he goes again... “I never wanted you.” He kicked him in the gut again before he could get up. “No wonder Charlotte killed herself, she probably couldn't stand you!” Who is that person anyways?
“Now get your FUCKING SHOVEL AND GET BACK TO THE FUCKING GARDEN!” Oh right, his father.
The kid was finally able to pick himself up. Maybe the lack of getting kicked in the stomach helped.
He picked up the rake resting on the wall... Wait, wrong tool. He picked up the shovel on the ground, not the rake. There, did I get it right? I think I did...
Anyway, What's his name?
He walked to the garden.
I think his name started with an R...
Why did he need a shovel? Beats me.
Was his name Rudolph? Ramsay? Rotwal? Re- And he threw the shovel off the ledge! Come on! Does this kid have a death wish? He saw with his own eyes how brutal his father could be to him if he messes up! Godsdamnit uh... Ravel? Ramsay? Wait, I already said Ramsay, didn't I? Hold on, I think I got it... Oh yeah...

REM

Chapter 1

His legs were getting tired, but that didn't matter. He just had to keep running. He saw the flashes of red and black behind him, and then he looked forward just in time before he ran off the edge of the floating island; it's quite easy to forget about your surroundings when you're being chased by spirits, and as a matter of fact, these particular spirits were Hunters, the fastest and most deadly of them all. Rem just called them lizards; he remembered his mother calling those tiny snake-like things with legs lizards too, so he gave Hunters that name, since they looked a lot like them, just bigger and more deadly.

Three of them came out of the thick shrubbery and fully revealed themselves. They looked nearly identical, like all of the Hunters on this horrible island. Black, smooth skin with red spiral patterns; two legs with webbed, three-toed feet; arms that were long enough for the clawed hands to take a nice swing at you; and a powerful tail. And to finish it all off they had a mouth that when fully stretched could bite an entire human's face off with its razor sharp teeth.

It was extraordinary that Rem had been able to attract three of them at the same time, since it was not in their nature to hunt in packs; they usually just made a beeline for their target no matter who else was there, Hunter or not. Besides, only the not-so-killer-Hunters hunted in packs. Not the killer ones he was facing. Most would call them light and dark Hunters. Rem called them not-so-killer-Hunters, who only killed humans when absolutely necessary. The other kind he called killer Hunters, which he swears only kill for fun. Sadly, Rem was exiled to an island only filled with killer spirits, which include --- if you couldn't tell --- killer Hunters.

They all rushed towards him at the same time. Rem dodged out of the way just before he got pushed over the ledge in the wake of the Hunters' everpresent beserk mode. In turn he grabbed one by the arm, flinging it off the island and into the abyss. The other two were unfazed by the fact that he just killed one of their kind, and continued attacking him unremittingly. It was quite easy to dodge the creatures, seeing that they had no recognition whatsoever for their surroundings when attacking you. And with two different opponents stumbling upon each other while trying to get to him at the same angle, Rem didn't have too much to worry about.

That is, until one of them luckily struck his left arm, leaving a blood-oozing wound that was worryingly large.

It hurt. Excruciatingly. Rem screamed.

That was probably one of the only sounds he could make after his father cut his tongue out, that very same same father who had exiled him to this Godforsaken island, curse him! The one who was to blame for all this torment ...

Filled with a sudden burst of self-avenging rage, Rem grabbed one of his crudely crafted wooden spears and pinned one of the Hunters to the ground through its neck before turning around to the horrible sight of the other spirit's mouth wide open in a horizontal fashion, attempting to swallow Rem's head whole. He was able to make his arm a substitute for the beast, giving him enough time to use his stone machete to cut its head off. However, both of the predators were still alive.

Like most people know, when spirits are in battle, they completely ignore physical damage. The only way to actually kill them in combat is to mutilate their body until it becomes unrecognizable as a creature.

While the one with its head cut off ran around like a chicken with ... well, you know; Rem ran to the other Hunter that was still stuck to the ground and brutally bludgeoned its left leg until it wasn't connected to the body anymore. Before Rem was able to move on to the next leg, the other Hunter providentially bumped into him, realizing that it had found its target. The spirit immediately started swiping at Rem, hitting his back forcefully with most of the attacks. Rem, taken by surprise at the sudden attacks, pushed backwards heavily into the spirit, running them both into a tree, trapping the Hunter between him and the bark. Before things got any more dicey, Rem leaped forwards off the beast, and then swiftly took the opportunity to disembody its right arm before stepping away from it again to finish what he had started with the other Hunter.

While Rem was stuck with the other spirit, the Hunter he had left to itself was able to tear half of its neck off to get free of the spear, leaving only a few strands of flesh connecting its head to its body. But with its left leg gone, it had to drag itself towards the prey.

Rem walked up to it, picked it up by the head, and lopped its head off, before forcefully dragging his machete through the lower part of the spirit's torso, completely cutting it off and finally killing the beast.

Rem cautiously eyed the other Hunter which was swinging its arm around wildly, trying to find something to eviscerate. Rem walked up to it slowly, making sure he kept his distance from the blind monster. Then, he suddenly grabbed its left shoulder, turning it quickly around to try and grasp the Hunter's arm so that he could chop it off with his axe.

Rem's favorite part about being out here was when there was a single, helpless spirit that he could toy around with for a while. He took his machete, put it between the beast's legs, and viciously pulled it all the way through its body, splitting it in half messily.

That was what he planned to do to his father when he found him.

[benni369]

If the story is too long this is here for more space

[benni369]

Another one. Better safe than sorry.

[warbot1000]

I'm interested but who is the narrator in this story? I'm not sure if it is meant to be third person or if the kid is the main character and we are reading what he is thinking.

[benni369]

I'm interested but who is the narrator in this story? I'm not sure if it is meant to be third person or if the kid is the main character and we are reading what he is thinking.

Sorry, I should've been more clear, the narrator is just some random storyteller. Or is he?...

[Ninja]

I think I might be able to help you out with this. I could certainly do proofreading.

[warbot1000]

there are parts where you go into first person as the narrator which confused me slightly.
try these changes
guts to gut
Who is this person anyways? to who is that person anyway?

He picked up the rake resting on the wall... Wait, wrong tool. He picked up the shovel on the ground, not the rake. There, did I get it right? I think I did...
Anyway, What's his name?
I think this would be better if you wrote
He picked up the rake resting on the wall. After a few seconds he realised his mistake and put the rake back on the wall. He then picked up the shovel and started to continue [insert gardening job here]. What was his name?

presuming that your narrator has been watching the kid the line below does not make sense because he would have heard the father shouting.
Why did he need a shovel? Beats me.

[benni369]

I think I might be able to help you out with this. I could certainly do proofreading.

Thanks for that! Could I send you the chapters via PM?

[benni369]

there are parts where you go into first person as the narrator which confused me slightly.
try these changes
guts to gut
Who is this person anyways? to who is that person anyway?

He picked up the rake resting on the wall... Wait, wrong tool. He picked up the shovel on the ground, not the rake. There, did I get it right? I think I did...
Anyway, What's his name?
I think this would be better if you wrote
He picked up the rake resting on the wall. After a few seconds he realised his mistake and put the rake back on the wall. He then picked up the shovel and started to continue [insert gardening job here]. What was his name?

presuming that your narrator has been watching the kid the line below does not make sense because he would have heard the father shouting.
Why did he need a shovel? Beats me.

Actually, I am going for a different approach to the narrator to make him feel more personalized and like he has his own opinions on what happening.
Another thing I'm trying is him being present tense (Rem unexpectedly throwing the shovel off the ledge (it's not a random ledge thrown in there for convenience FYI) and interrupting the narrator) but all actions presented in the story are being told past tense.
this was honestly experimentation for how I wanted my narrator. I think I'll throw away the present tense thing, but keep the personalized narrator thing unless people extremely advise against it.
And the spelling mistakes were actual spelling mistakes and not some cheap gimmick I added in for the narrator to make him more interesting. Unlike everything else about him.

[RaZoR LeAf]

Pain.

More pain.

Even more...

This is getting old.

It was already old.

I feel like this drags out too much, considering it's covering one subject. It could either do with shortening, or more flavour to describe just how bad the pain is.

————

Pain.

Endless pain.

Pain so intense that turning away from it is just as bad as enduring it.

How much longer do I have to take it?

————

However, based on the entire prologue, as it's being told from the point of view of someone watching the scene, this part about pain doesn't make any sense, as you quickly swap from the person enduring the pain to the person watching the pain being inflicted without any warning. It doesn't flow correctly and just adds a bit of confusion over how many characters are present. Just changing the last line to 'How much long does HE have to take it?' would make it better.

“You're useless.” There he goes again... “I never wanted you.” He kicked him in the gut again before he could get up. “No wonder Charlotte killed herself, she probably couldn't stand you!” Who is that person anyways?
“Now get your FUCKING SHOVEL AND GET BACK TO THE FUCKING GARDEN!” Oh right, his father.

After the first spoken line, each comment and spoken line after that would be better off on a new line. Though it's the same person talking, the interruptions from the narrator warrant it all being moved to a new line to keep it easier to read. Also, if the narrator is telling the story from the perspective of the person who is hearing the spoken words then the lines should be in italic, to help tell them apart as thoughts rather than as spoken or descriptive words. For example:

————

"You're useless."
There he goes again.
"I never wanted you."

He kicked him in the gut again before he could get up.

“No wonder Charlotte killed herself, she probably couldn't stand you!”
Who is this person anyways?

“Now get your FUCKING SHOVEL AND GET BACK TO THE FUCKING GARDEN!”
Oh right, his father.

————

You also change tenses which I have corrected.

The kid was finally able to pick himself up. Maybe the lack of getting kicked in the stomach helped.
He picked up the rake resting on the wall... Wait, wrong tool. He picked up the shovel on the ground, not the rake. There, did I get it right? I think I did…

'The kid' would read better as just 'He'. As he's gone from overwhleming pain, the struggle of picking himself up should be exaggerated more. Nobody goes from being kicked over and over in the stomach to just getting up. Also, however you want the narrator to be more personal, reading it like this just doesn't work. It's too informal.

————

His muscles were like jelly and his senses were so overwhelmed he couldn't see straight never mind stand. The kicking had stopped, the reprieve gave his body a chance to catch up so he could finally pull himself up against a wall. After a few more minutes he struggled to his feet. Vision still blurred and his balance in a spin he pulled a shovel from the wall. It was too light, he'd picked up the rake in error. He quickly returned it and took the right shovel, lest he earn himself another beating.

————

Anyway, What's his name?
He walked to the garden.
I think his name started with an R...
Why did he need a shovel? Beats me.
Was his name Rudolph? Ramsay? Rotwal? Re- And he threw the shovel off the ledge! Come on! Does this kid have a death wish? He saw with his own eyes how brutal his father could be to him if he messes up! Godsdamnit uh... Ravel? Ramsay? Wait, I already said Ramsay, didn't I? Hold on, I think I got it... Oh yeah...

REM

Again, this is all very informal and reads far too jovial for what it's been introducing. You can still have it read as though it's being told from the point of view of someone watching, and the side comments but without it sounding like it's being chatted in a park between friends.

————

That boy doesn't do himself any favours. His father hates him, his mother is dead. That's probably why he hates him. She gave him a strange name, begins with 'R', not something you hear everyday, certainly not from him anyway. Rudolph? Ramsay? No, less common than that. I've watched him take beating after beating and just get up and carry on doing the same thing, day after day. You'd think he'd have learnt not to anger the old man, but there he goes again, throwing his tool down and disappearing into his own little world. Sometimes I wonder if he enjoys the beats, consider he's practically asking for them with his behaviour. Ravel? Ramsay? No, thought of that before. It was shorter. Like.. ram. Wait, that's right. That was his name.

Rem.

————

It's a subtle introduction to a character, so it doesn't need to be in your face in big letters.

[Ninja]

I think I might be able to help you out with this. I could certainly do proofreading.

Thanks for that! Could I send you the chapters via PM?

Sure!

[benni369]

cut for space

Thanks for the help. I'l keep it in mind when writing the next chapter.

The reason his name was so big at the end was because it is the title for the story and I wanted to differentiate it from the rest and make it have an impact on the reader not only for the character's name, but for the title as well. But looking back at it, there's probably better and less cheap ways to do it, like you just demonstrated.

All your problems with the narrator are on me. I was wondering what I wanted to do with him, either being told completely past tense with the narrator interacting with the reader or, quoting you, "from the point of view of someone watching". As you can see I went for the latter, but I'm starting to have doubts. I will most likely go with the former next chapter and see which is better. If neither of them work I guess I can go with a standard narrator.

[benni369]

Hey! new chapter!
First question: Should I make these notification posts when I release a new chapter?
Also, I was wondering if I should put the author's note on the notification posts (to not clog up the story) or at the end of the chapter on the OP?
I'm going to do the former for now because reasons.

The narrator. Yeeaaaahh ... If you didn't know, I said I was gonna do this thing with the narrator and make him address the reader, but it didn't work out. So I decided to not do anything special and just stick with a regular narrator.

The lack of a quick update for what you will find out is one of the shortest chapters written in the history of anything ever is because, brace yourself for a horrible excuse ...
When I started writing this I didn't want to have to write everyday in fear of putting too much stress on myself and then abandoning the story like all my other works. So after a week of procrastinating and saying "I'l do it later" I decided I'd write it during midnight and I'll have no excuse to slack off and not work on it. Don't worry about the possible quality drop though, I barely see any difference compared to something I write in the afternoon or early evening.
Yes, I will work on making my schedule better and have it not require me staying up to 2 o'clock in the morning to write only a bit of it.

Anyways, what I really want to hear your opinion on is the fighting and if it's written well or terribly.
Yes, I have nothing else to say on that.

And one more thing is that yet again I made the mistake of having a character be completely not affected in a big injury.
This time when (spoilers) Rem is being bitten on the arm by a Hunter's jaw and then ignoring the fact.

And keep in mind that this is proofread by Ninja, so if this chapter is surprisingly better concerning wording and grammar than the prologue you most likely have him to thank.

Goodbye for now!

[Ninja]

First question: Should I make these notification posts when I release a new chapter?

Yes, definitely. If we don't know when there's an update, then the thread will be buried because we will probably forget about it.

[Zonoro13]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest

I would try to make Rem more relatable. How can you make the reader identify with Rem's emotions? I can't imagine myself in that situation.

The important thing is, you made me want to keep reading, so good on you.

[Ninja]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest.

It actually says "most deadly".

[Zonoro13]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest.

It actually says "most deadly".

Most deadly -> deadliest

[Ninja]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest.

It actually says "most deadly".

Most deadly -> deadliest

Either is correct, thought I suppose the latter does sound better.

[FeedDaKingdom]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest.

If a word (in its base form) has 2 or less syllables, then you put -er or -est. If it has more than 2 syllables, you put more and most.

[Ninja]

Hey benni! It's been a while.

As far as the story goes, Razor did a really good job pointing out most of the writing errors. Here's one more from chapter 1:
Most deadliest -> deadliest.

If a word (in its base form) has 2 or less syllables, then you put -er or -est. If it has more than 2 syllables, you put more and most.

It can really be done either way. Also, why did you say that I wrote that?